


Never Too Late

by plumpatine



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Eventual Smut, F/M, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Slow Burn, Using some Clone Wars episodes and the Ben Solo comics as inspiration, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:02:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25392823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plumpatine/pseuds/plumpatine
Summary: A faint scent of sage and pine wafted from Ben's neckline and you wanted nothing more than to be enveloped in the earthly fragrance. All you had to do was lean in, crash your lips against his and melt into him completely.---When your sensitivity to the Force reveals that your bloodline is the result of a secret affair, you are stripped of your royal title and sent to train in Luke Skywalker’s Jedi Order. While there you witness firsthand the slow demise of Ben Solo and the birth of Kylo Ren. Is the dark side truly so evil that it must be avoided at all costs? Or will embracing it bring you closer to realizing your true destiny?
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s), Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Ben Solo/You, Kylo Ren & Reader, Kylo Ren & You, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 7
Kudos: 12





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! So this is the first fanfic I have written since I was a young teenager around ten years ago! After quarantine hit I fell in love with Star Wars and it's all I ever want to talk about so I'm glad I have an outlet for my cringey OC fantasies lol. Please feel free to write me a review to tell me what you liked and what you didn't like! I'm a little rusty. 
> 
> One thing I am definitely proud of is my god tier Kylo Ren Spotify playlist. Almost 7 hours of songs I painstakingly picked that fit that "emotionally repressed fuck boy" persona we all love so much. You can find it under the playlist "Kylo Ren" by Plumpatine or by clicking this link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/137tXscNRbJPvGR6HL6LIa?si=My0t800UQwm6zjCYLXi2SA

**Never Too Late**

“The Beginning”

Year: 19 ABY

Location: Sundari, Mandalore

“How could this have happened?”

You pressed your ear to the cold wooden door and heard your father question your Great Aunt Bo-Katan. Your heart sank as you realized this was about you. Desperate for clarity, you tacitly pressed open the door until just a crack of the meeting room was visible.

You peered in and saw your father and aunt illuminated by the city lights of Sundari. Father stood behind his desk, anxiously pacing back and forth. Bo-Katan sat across from him, her hands perched neatly on her lap.

“You seem to think this isn’t random,” Bo-Katan began slowly. Father froze in his tracks and sharply turned his head towards her.

“I _know_ it isn’t!” he spat, slamming a balled fist down on the desk. Bo-Katan jumped a little, startled by the outburst. “So the lies need to stop. Right here, right now.”

Silence followed. You had never seen Father so angry before. He was usually a stiff and repressed man, marred and changed after experiencing war in his youth and the loss of your mother later in life. At least, that was Bo-Katan’s explanation for his usual stoicism. Seeing Father so perturbed over something regarding you turned your blood cold.

“Alright,” Bo-Katan relented. She slowly stood up and hobbled over to Father, gently cupping his fist in her fragile, delicate hands. “No more lies, Korkie. I promise.”

Father unfurled his fist within her grasp, his expression softening. He opened his mouth a few times to speak but nothing came out. Bo-Katan moved a hand to his face and tenderly stroked his cheek with her thumb. In this moment your father looked like a lost child, vulnerable and desperate for the truth.

“Say it,” Bo-Katan guided. “You aren’t wrong.”

Father let out an exasperated laugh, shaking his head in apparent reluctance. He removed Bo-Katan’s hand from his cheek and turned around to gaze out the grand picture window at the sleeping city.

“Arlen isn’t my father,” he said numbly, still focusing outside. “Obi-Wan Kenobi is. And my mother is…”

**“-My sister, Satine.”**

You cupped your hands to your mouth in shock, sliding down against the wall next to the door.

 _Your father was the son of Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi._ That meant…

You opened your palms and blinked down at them in bewilderment. Suddenly, everything made sense. How easily you were able to influence others, the objects that seemed to repel with just a flick of the wrist…

That amazement quickly turned into fear. You didn’t know what you were capable of and frankly did not want to find out. You were meant to live on Mandalore as a Lady in the Kryze House, studying politics at the Sundari Mandalorian School and learning from your father until it was your time to reign as Duchess. If you had powers from the Force, then what would become of you?

 _“Why?”_ Father’s warbled voice caught your attention. You turned around and continued to spy through the narrow doorway _. “Why lie? Did none of you realize how much this would affect me? My child?”_

“You have every right to be upset, dear,” Bo-Katan reassured. She shuffled back to the chair and lowered herself down, old bones cracking in her lower back. “But there were many reasons why your true parentage was kept secret.”

“Don’t placate me,” Korkie snapped, turning back around to face Bo-Katan. “All of you knew it was possible a Force-sensitive child could be born from Obi-Wan’s bloodline. This conversation would have happened _someday_.”

You felt sick. What little family you had left was falling apart because of you.

“Your mother felt like she had to,” Bo-Katan said. “This was her decision, and her decision alone. Obi-Wan never even knew about you.”

Your father lifted an eyebrow in surprise. “Obi-Wan didn’t know,” he remarked. “I guess I’m not the only one wronged, then.”

Bo-Katan nodded solemnly and lowered her head, remorseful of a twisted moment lost in time. “Obi-Wan had a lot to do with Satine’s decision. They met when they were just kids, Obi-Wan a Padawan and Satine a newly appointed Duchess. He was sent here on a mission with his Master Qui Gon to protect her from a string of assassination attempts… and they fell in love. Obi-Wan went back to the Jedi Temple after the mission and Satine found out she was carrying you.”

Father shook his head once more before resting his face in his hands. Bo-Katan continued.

“The Jedi are not allowed to become attached. It leads to the Dark Side, so they believe. Satine knew that if Obi-Wan found out about you then he would leave the Jedi Order- she didn’t want that for him. It was the one thing he cared about more than her, although he would never admit it.”

“That couldn’t have been the only reason,” Father muttered. You thought the same. The entire family keeping a secret for two generations warranted more of an explanation than not wanting to inconvenience a Jedi.

“It was a big one for Satine,” Bo-Katan mused. “She truly loved Obi-Wan. But yes, there were other reasons… she herself had just become a Duchess after a war, and there were factions who wanted her gone more than anything. Given Mandalore’s troublesome history, there were still citizens who did not think highly of the Order as well. Many people would not be pleased to find out that the heir to the throne was the son of a Jedi... That would put you, Satine, and Obi-Wan at risk.”

Father’s facial expression softened and he lifted his head back up. He stared at the floor contemplatively, seemingly lost in deep thought. You wondered what was going through his troubled mind.

You couldn’t even discern your own thoughts right now. You were only aware of your stuttering heart and the deep knot rooted in the pit of your stomach.

“She knew that she could not have a baby as Duchess of Mandalore. Even if she were to raise you as her own and tell Obi-Wan the truth, she still had to acknowledge the possibility that you may be Force-sensitive. If that were the case, she couldn’t bear the thought of denying you Jedi training. She wouldn’t want you to grow up to be somebody who could potentially harm others.”

Harm others? You examined your hands again. Could these hands harm others? Were the levitating objects a mere mark of your potential? A cold shiver ran down your spine.

“So, she discussed it with Arlen and he agreed to take you in as his own. They both decided that if you were able to use the Force, they would do what they thought was the right thing and send you to the Order to train as a Jedi. Obviously, you ended up not showing any sensitivity to the Force. That was one less thing they needed to worry about. Arlen was so happy… he always wanted a child of his own.”

“My… f-father,” Father spoke, his voice stricken with grief, “The man who raised me, whose death I mourned for years… wasn’t my father after all.”

You realized that Father had been reminiscing all of the wonderful memories he shared with the man who raised him as his own. Now that Arlen wasn’t his real father, were all of those happy memories even real? Or were they just broken remnants of a façade?

 _“Oh, Korkie,”_ Bo-Katan spoke softly, her voice wavering with emotion. “Arlen loved you so much. He raised you and called you his own. He will always be your father.” She looked at Father pleadingly, her eyes glistening as she held in tears.

Father coughed and cleared his throat. He gave a small nod to Bo-Katan, who seemed relieved.

“What does this mean for ____?” Father questioned.

You froze at the sound of your name. You strained your head further in the doorway but stopped when the floorboards began to creak. You quickly watched for a reaction from either Bo-Katan or Father, but they continued with their conversation.

“It means whatever you want it to mean,” Bo-Katan said. “Satine made a choice for you. You have a choice to make for ____ as well. I would argue that your position is even more difficult because of her little gift.”

“Are you saying that I have to choose between sending my daughter to the Order and having her stay here?” Korkie scoffed. “That isn’t much of a debate.”

You silently cheered your father on.

“Of course it seems that way,” Bo-Katan lamented, moving a long strand of hair away from her wrinkled face, “But please, consider everything your mother did. Can we maintain ____’s powers and keep them a secret from Mandalore?”

Father looked up at her in shock. “What do you mean?”

“If she stays here we are responsible for her actions, whether they are good or bad,” she explained hesitantly. “She is already finding it tough to control them now, Korkie, and she’s only nine years-old… You have to think of her future too. Her powers would have to be kept a secret from society- Mandalore simply isn’t ready for a Force user as a ruler. We’ve just barely come to accept Satine’s stance on peace as it is. It took _me_ long enough.”

“All of that is speculation,” Father argued. “You don’t know how people would react.”

“I don’t. But is it worth the risk?”

Your hands curled into tight fists, nails digging into your flesh. The sick feeling in your stomach dissipated and hot blood began to course through your veins. You were not a risk. You were their _family_ , for crying out loud! How could they talk about you as if you were a political issue?

Father was silent for what felt like forever. You internally screamed at him to fight for you, to believe that you could handle yourself so you wouldn’t have to leave home.

“You’re… you’re right,” Father finally bit out, choking on his words. “____ would be better off in the Jedi Order… she would be safe… and Luke Skywalker, he only has a few apprentices. She could make a difference in the galaxy.”

Your nostrils flared and cheeks burned garnet, rage filling your body. You stood to your feet and burst through the door, rattling a few books off the shelf next to you. Father and Bo-Katan turned and blinked at you in shock as you stalked over to them.

“I am **_not_** leaving!” you denounced. “You can’t make this decision for me! I- I- this i-is my home! I’m not just a-… a risk!” Your lip quivered as you began to falter. Against your wishes, angry tears began to roll down your face and curl against your chin.

“____-“ Father began, but you cut him off.

“No! N-no,” you exclaimed, wiping the tears away hastily. “You’re sending me away, aren’t you?”

Father shifted his gaze away, choosing to stare down at the floor instead. The deafening ring of silence echoed throughout the room. You knew what his answer was.

“… I won’t let you,” you cried in despair, “I won’t!” You quickly turned on your heels to leave. Father grabbed you by the arm and attempted to pull you back. You glared at him and ripped your arm from his grasp, continuing to storm away.

“Now wait, ____!” Bo-Katan called after you.

“I hope you die!” you spat without even turning back. You exited the meeting room and fled towards your bedroom. A part of you wanted to hear Father’s footsteps following you, but there was only the sound of your night slippers clicking against the hallway tile.

You reached your room and slammed the door, immediately jumping into bed. Wrapping your small arms around yourself and nestling into the blankets, you attempted to give yourself the comfort you desperately yearned for.

A few moments were spent weeping and attempting to control your erratic breathing. Underneath the soft glow of fairy lights scattered across your canopy bed, you almost felt protected from the evils of the world. But of course, you weren’t, as evil had rooted itself in the place you called home.

You couldn’t believe how easy it was for Father to give up on you. You had never inconvenienced him; on the contrary, you made it a point to be as hospitable and warm as possible so you wouldn’t be a nuisance.

Ever since Mother died you had to work twice as hard for his love and affection. So why was it during this difficult moment in your young life he wanted to abandon you? Why wouldn’t he fight for you, as you have done for him for so long?

The longer you waited to hear Father’s footsteps approach your door, the more it became apparent how he truly felt about you. You had been ignoring his indifferent demeanor in favor of the lie of a loving father for far too long. Now you had finally come to face the harsh reality.

Father didn’t truly love you.

* * *

“It’s nice to meet you, ____. My name is Luke Skywalker, and I will be your Master that oversees your training.”

Before you stood a handsome man with thick blonde hair and a gray streak parting to the side. He greeted you with a friendly smile and outstretched hand. Reluctantly, you shook it.

Father wasted no time in scheduling your departure for the Jedi Order. A few days after the family secret was revealed, Luke Skywalker was contacted and told about your sensitivity to the Force.

It did not take Skywalker long to travel to Mandalore on his old X-wing starfighter. You had never seen the elder model before and was surprised to find that it was Skywalker’s preferred mode of transportation.

“Thank you for coming,” Father said, shaking Skywalker’s hand as well. “She has been growing stronger lately and we were worried about her.”

Skywalker raised an eyebrow and looked down at you skeptically. “She seems fine to me.”

“… Not only that,” Father reluctantly added, “But I am also concerned about how the citizens of Mandalore would react. It is difficult to remain neutral for anybody, but especially so if that person is a member of a political family. Having her become one of the few Jedi left in the galaxy was the best option for all.”

“Oh, of course,” Skywalker said stiffly, as if he didn’t agree with anything Father just said.

There was an awkward lull in the conversation as Skywalker looked behind you and Father, taking in the view of Sundari.

“How modern,” he commented. “There’s a unique design to this city, including the dome.”

It was always strange to hear traveler’s comment on the “modern” and “artistic” style of Sundari. Having lived there your entire life, you were underwhelmed by the cubist design and monochromatic colors.

“You know,” Skywalker said, pointing a finger at Father. “The last time a Jedi came here was decades ago, during that attempted coup against the Duchess.”

“Ah, yes,” Father forced a fake smile but was visibly uncomfortable. “Your father, Anakin Skywalker, and Obi-Wan Kenobi were sent to protect Duchess Satine from insurgents.”

Skywalker peered down at you again, his eyes narrowing in deep contemplation. You could sense that something within him had shifted, his friendly demeanor vanished. You nervously leaned in closer to your father’s side.

“Obi-Wan…” Skywalker drawled, turning his gaze to Father. His pale blue eyes seemed icier with intensity.

“Yes,” Father confirmed wearily.

“Huh,” was all Skywalker said, his mechanical hand scratching his beard. He cocked his head to the side, his eyes continuing to bore into Father’s. “Interesting...”

“Anyway,” Father coughed uncomfortably, “Master Skywalk-“

Skywalker put his other hand up to stop Father. “I’d like to talk more about my old mentor, if that’s alright. I was wondering… I mean, could it be possible-”

“I would prefer to focus on my daughter,” Father said. “Now if you please-“

“Duchess Satine and Obi-Wan… they were close, weren’t they?”

A wry smile spread across Skywalker’s face. You tilted your head up at Father expectantly, amused by Skywalker’s keen observation.

Father’s jaw clenched in anger. _“Excuse me?”_

“I could sense it from ____,” Skywalker said confidently. “It’s amusing how the Force connects people.”

“That is an assumption about my aunt that I do not appreciate,” Father jeered, wrapping an arm around your shoulders and pulling you closer. You tried to wiggle out of his grasp but gave up after a few seconds.

“Oh, don’t worry,” Skywalker quickly reassured, taking a step closer. “Your secret is safe with me. Although it doesn’t help that you look exactly like him, Duke Korkie.”

Father loosened his grip and you stepped away from him. His shoulders relaxed and a defeated look etched his angular face. He appeared as a young and frightened boy just as he did that night in the meeting room with Bo-Katan.

“So, now do you understand?” he mumbled quietly.

“A little more, yes,” Skywalker replied earnestly, “And for what it’s worth, Obi-Wan Kenobi was an exceptional man. The greatest I have ever known. My nephew is even named after him.”

“Your nephew?” you asked.

“Ben. He’s fourteen, so a bit older than you. He’s pretty strong in the Force but maybe you can catch up to him, huh?” Skywalker winked and you smiled for the first time in days.

“Will she be safe?” Father inquired. “What about visits?”

“She will be safe under my guidance,” Skywalker said. “Of course, as she grows older it will be up to her to use that guidance in difficult circumstances. Visits are not permitted. It is to help the Jedi let go of any attachments that may cause inner conflict.”

Your heart had already been broken once after understanding Father’s true feelings towards you. You did not realize that a second heartbreak was possible and that it could hurt just as much as the first. Even though you already knew that it was unlikely you’d ever see your family again, hearing it confirmed struck a chord within you. These last few days you had been cruel to Father and Bo-Katan out of spite, and now you were never going to see them again.

“Father,” your voice began to crack. “W-will you tell Auntie Bo I didn’t mean what I said?”

Father gave a small smile and reached out, pushing your hair back behind your ear affectionately. “She already knows you didn’t mean it, __. But I’ll tell her you said that.” When was the last time Father stroked your hair? You tried to recall as you leaned into his touch.

“Is this it?” you whispered, heavy tears escaping your eyes as you tried to blink them away.

Father wiped your tears away and put his hand on your chin, tilting your face up to gaze at him one last time. “____, I’m sorry,” was all he said before enveloping you into a tight embrace.

You had been fighting for his love and affection since your mother’s death and in your final moment together you achieved it. Hesitantly, you wrapped your arms around your father and let yourself relish the moment you had been craving so deeply. It felt too soon when Father let go of you.

In a daze, you picked up your luggage and began walking back to Skywalker’s starfighter. You didn’t turn around to get one last look at Father and you didn’t bother wiping away the tears that blurred your vision.

Both you and Skywalker entered the starfighter. He closed the loading dock behind you and put his hands on his hips, assessing your facial expression.

“Fear… it makes people behave irrationally,” Skywalker spoke in a low, comforting voice. “You will grow into a keeper of peace, a strong Jedi that is resolute in what she believes in. You have a lot of good things coming your way.”

“I know,” you said, and you meant it. For once, you felt hope. Hope for the Jedi you would become and the incredible things you would accomplish.


	2. Light and Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are now nineteen years-old and fully adjusted to life in the Jedi Order. But something within you has changed. You are noticing problematic ideals within the Jedi system you grew up in, and you have lost your zest to please those around you. You have begun to question who you are and what you are capable of... and what Ben is capable of, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting both Chapter 1 and 2 at the same time and I am so nervous! Ahhhh! Again, please let me know what you like aaaaaand check out my Kylo Ren playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/137tXscNRbJPvGR6HL6LIa?si=sfFMZXz0R6-w1g68y_ZInA

**Never Too Late**

“Light and Dark”

Year: 29 ABY

Location: Jedi Temple

It had been ten years since you last saw your family. The transition from a castle on Mandalore to a Jedi Temple on a barren planet was a lot to adjust to, but you were able to do so after many restless nights and an abundance of patience. You had no choice at the time but you embraced your new life with childish hubris. You saw the hardships and took them as a challenge and a way to prove yourself to Father.

You trained for years as a Youngling and then a Padawan. You meditated, studied, made friends and practiced combat. Everything that was expected of you, you completed with uniformity. Now you were a young woman at a crossroads. The challenges at the academy that used to ignite a flame within you began to make you feel underwhelmed and used.

Up until this point in your life you held your head low and did as you were told. Tried to get by. That mentality could no longer satiate you. You wanted to explore the galaxy and find your own place in life. Could you ever amount to anything other than a Jedi or an exiled royal?

Your zest to please others had begun to fade. Because of that, you started to notice things within the system you were raised in that were problematic at best.

**“There is no emotion, there is peace**

**There is no ignorance, there is knowledge**

**There is no passion, there is serenity**

**There is no chaos, there is harmony**

**There is no death, there is The Force”**

The Jedi Code was tattooed on your very soul after years of repetition as a Youngling and Padawan. Now you challenged this mantra and held it in contempt.

Isn’t it impossible to live without emotion, ignorance, passion, chaos and death? A life without zealous emotions was an empty, hollow one. The Jedi Order was asking you and the other apprentices to deny yourselves to serve others.

While a noble ambition, it was an unfair one to force others into.

Attempting to change innate human nature could never hold off an impending storm, no matter how much the great texts emphasized. Who said you wanted to avoid the storm, anyway? You wanted to dance wildly under the rain and black clouds. Feel the lightning travel through your body and shock your heart. Face the sky as the clouds part and the sunlight comes basking through.

You wanted the light and the dark. But that was not the Jedi way.

Looming clouds were forming inside you, and for the first time in your life you didn’t care.

_“Hey! Earth to Torres!”_

A hand waved in front of your face, snapping you back to reality. You blinked blankly at Voe, who was staring at you with an unamused frown.

“If you’re going to space out then I’ll go talk to the nearest wet blanket instead,” she huffed, crossing her arms and sitting back down in the tall grass. The two of you had just practiced lightsaber combat and were sitting outside, relaxing and gazing at the clouds.

“I did space out, didn’t I?” you admitted sheepishly.

“Uh-huh,” Voe jutted her lip into a faux pout. “What do you last remember? The part where I blocked Ben’s lightsaber with a side spike or the part where I nabbed him with a sideway stab?”

You were envious of Voe for her competitive nature. She did not like that Ben Solo was leagues above everybody else at the Order, and she made it a personal goal to become stronger than him. Ben was undoubtedly gifted in the Force so her goal would most likely not be achieved any time soon. In her world, there was always more to strive for and accomplish.

Because of this, she naturally began to dislike Ben. Her anger was unlike that of a Jedi, but you found it amusing in the otherwise repressive environment you lived in. You could definitely imagine her punching a poster of Ben’s face before bed every night.

“You nabbed him with a sideway stab,” you replied, hoping you picked the shortest part.

“Well,” she said smugly, pride in her voice, “It was pretty crazy. I blocked his forward assault with my left hand and used the saber in my right hand to go in for the stab- he was caught completely off guard! You should’ve seen the look on his face.”

“I can imagine,” you chuckled. “He looks constipated even when he’s happy.” Voe cackled at the comment and fell onto her back, holding her sides as she rolled back and forth. Her reaction caused you to laugh even harder, and you both spent the next few moments gasping for air and guffawing.

“Torres,” she finally said, wiping a tear from her eye. “We need to go on a mission together sometime. Show Master Skywalker how we kick butt.”

“I actually think he’s doing everything in his power to make sure we aren’t paired together,” you said. “You know we’d distract each other.”

“Hmm,” Voe grinned. “You may be right about that.”

“By the way,” you gave her a nudge. “How many times do I have to ask you to stop calling me by my last name? It’s ____. Or __, on special occasions.”

“Oh come on,” Voe protested. “You look like a Torres, not an ____.” You found that ironic considering that Torres was your mother’s maiden name you used as an alias to hide your true identity. As deeply as you loved your mother, you couldn’t help but feel like Torres didn’t fully represent you.

“What’s the special occasion for ‘__’, anyway?” Voe inquired, cupping a hand to her chin and giving you a mischievous wink. You decided to play along.

“Only for those who whisper sweet nothings into my ear underneath the moonlight,” you crooned exaggeratedly. “I’m still accepting referrals, by the way.”

Voe laughed once more, slapping her knee. One of the few things that still brought you unbridled joy was being able to make Voe laugh so hard she cried. You were on a roll today.

“Referrals,” Voe breathed, calming herself down. “By referrals, I assume they have to meet your criteria of tall, dark, and constipated?”

Your mood instantly changed and you shot her a glare. “Voe” you warned sharply. Voe sat back up and put her hands up defensively.

“I know, I know,” she droned. “I shouldn’t have mentioned it.”

“You shouldn’t have,” you agreed. “You know how that makes me feel.”

“We all have embarrassing crushes,” Voe said gently, reaching over to put a hand on your shoulder. “I used to think this one Utapaun guy was cute when I was a child.”

“It-“ you were actually flabbergasted by how much she missed the mark. “It doesn’t have- agh, never mind.” You decided to drop it. If Voe thought that you merely had an embarrassing crush on Ben that meant your true feelings were still protected and unknown. You stood up from your spot in the grass and patted down your clothes.

“You’re leaving?” she asked with a frown. “Is it because I upset you?”

“No,” you sighed. “I haven’t studied all day and I’m pretty far behind. I’ve got to get back on schedule.”

“Yeah, me too,” Voe groaned. She stretched her arms out and then rose to her feet. “I’m going to practice combat more so I can destroy Ben again. Tell him I’m ready for him whenever.” She threw you a peace sign and you parted with a wave and a smile.

As soon as you turned your back the smile left your face. Voe was a kind person whose company you enjoyed, but she lacked depth and emotional intelligence. You could never confide in her about your suspicions of the Jedi Order or your love for Ben Solo.

Ben was the first person Master Skywalker introduced you to when you arrived to the temple all those years ago. You were nine and he was fourteen. You remembered getting off of the X-wing starfighter and seeing him for the first time. A tall young man with broad shoulders and raven hair that curled against a sharp jawline. How could you not be smitten?

You pined for him from afar at first, like the young and immature child you were. As you adjusted to life in the Order you became more comfortable around your peers and found yourself getting closer to Ben. He didn’t protest as you knew how to sit in comfortable silence and didn’t bother him with meaningless chatter.

You befriended the other apprentices as well, namely Voe, Hennix, Tai and Erral. Many afternoons were spent with them on the temple grounds. Ben was a part of this friend groupl, whether he acknowledged it or not.

If you weren’t with the others, you were either training with Ben or sitting with him in the library quarters studying Jedi texts. Studying may seem like a tedious task to anybody else, but to you it meant the world because you got to spend personal time with him.

Ben carefully guarded himself. You knew the one thing he hated most was weakness. He would never allow himself to show vulnerability because that would tarnish the image of a young man descended from a powerful bloodline. He often questioned who he was outside of his lineage.

You knew exactly who he was outside of Luke Skywalker and General Organa. He was Ben Solo. Dedicated, hard-working, and passionate. A tormented man scarred from abandonment and self-doubt, disguising himself as an imperturbable Jedi.

Ben did not see what you saw in him. He believed that if his ties to the Skywalker name were to completely vanish, he would be useless. Nothing.

You couldn’t blame him for feeling that way. His parents had sent him away due to fear of the unknown when he was still a small child. The only consistent thing Ben had in his life was power. And he clung onto it as if it were the only thing keeping him tethered to sanity.

Before Ben, you felt completely alone in the galaxy. He slowly opened up to you throughout the years and you found yourself falling irrevocably in love with him. How could you not? You were two broken souls trying to find meaning and profundity after heartbreak and abandonment. 

You wanted to be everything for Ben. His partner, his confidant, and somebody who he could look up to as much as you looked up to him.

You found yourself at the library entrance. Taking a deep breath, you attempted to clear your mind. Ben was an incredibly strong Jedi; so much so that he could sense emotional shifts within others in a matter of seconds. You had managed to make it this far without him noticing the unrequited love you had for him, and you had no intention of letting him know of it… at least for now.

With a swift push you opened the door, strolling into the library. In the west wing you could see Ben’s figure sitting at a table, the sun from outside shining on him as he perused a book. You walked over to the grand bookcase and picked the last book you had been studying and joined him.

“Ben,” you greeted.

He looked up from his book and you felt breathless. His beige skin looked warm, his eyes like golden pools of honey in the sunlight.

Shut up, ____.

“Hey,” he mumbled, looking back down at his book. You opened up your own book and resumed the last page you left off on. The two of you sat in comfortable silence for some time before Ben suddenly set his book down and gave you an unamused look.

“What...?”

“You’re conflicted,” he replied, running a hand through his hair. “Very loudly, I might add. It’s distracting me from reading.”

“Well, sorry,” you muttered. “I’m not sure what you want me to do about it.”

“That’s… not what I meant,” he said, furrowing his eyebrows in frustration as he struggled to come up with the right words. “… What’s wrong?” he rephrased with a deep sigh, leaning back in his chair and looking at you expectantly.

“How about I talk when you do?” you raised an eyebrow skeptically. “I heard Voe beat you during combat today. That never happens.”

Ben rolled his eyes. “I’m sure she’s telling everybody about it.”

“She is,” you said. “But I know it won’t last long.”

“Well, Voe doesn’t recognize that,” Ben noted. “She’s so wrapped up in beating me that she doesn’t focus on how _she_ interprets the Force. It’s holding her back.”

“She’s passionate about it,” you replied, stroking your fingers through your braids and combing them free. “Being passionate… it gives you something to live for. I’m almost jealous of her, honestly.”

You continued to gently free your hair from the Padawan braids that adorned your head. Ben stared at you in silence as you did so, following your fingers as they trailed through your long tresses.

“So that’s what’s wrong,” he finally spoke, amusement in his tone. “You aren’t passionate about being a Jedi anymore.”

You stopped brushing and gave him a surprised look.

“I notice your training too,” Ben pointed out. “Lately you haven’t been trying.”

The shock on your face subsided into a frown and downturned gaze. Doubts about the Jedi were historically attributed to a weak state of mind. Questions about the Darkness were always rebutted by Master Skywalker, and there was the overall sense at the Jedi Temple that if one could not stay strictly on the path of Light then they were indisposed.

“That doesn’t bother you?” you inquired anxiously. You peered up at Ben through half-lidded eyes and saw that his expression became more severe. A flood of emotions overcame him and he looked immersed in a dark internal dialogue.

“No,” he said lowly. “No, it doesn’t.”

“Why?” you questioned. You sensed a change between you and Ben, as if the threads of your inner conflicts were now woven together. You knew that Ben was struggling just as you were: he lost his passion towards the Jedi way.

Ben stood up from his seat and paced for a moment. You watched in silence, waiting for his answer despite already feeling it.

“The same reason as you,” he divulged, his auburn eyes burning into yours. “I lost my passion, too.”

“You felt so much pressure before,” you said perplexedly, ignoring the intensity of his gaze. “What changed?”

“Not so fast, ____,” he held his palm out towards you. “You revealed what was bothering you, and then so did I- the ball is in your court again. Why aren’t _you_ passionate about being a Jedi anymore?”

You glared at him and bit your lip, trying to hold back the immediate response that threatened to escape your lips. You didn’t want to be a Jedi because you believed the system was inherently corrupt, taking children from their families and denying them healthy emotions in the name of a supposedly greater cause. You were still hurt over your childhood and being stripped of your home life. You spent nights feeling lonely and displaced, as if you were one of the nameless, dull stars scattered across the galaxy.

Ben’s lips parted as if he were preparing to respond to something even though nothing was said. Your eyes widened in realization. He read your thoughts. He heard. He heard about your distrust of the Order. He heard you admit your crushing loneliness…

“Ben,” you seethed, stopping him before he could say anything. You pushed in your chair with a quick thrust. Ben was a foot taller and had to crane his head down to look at you as you stormed up to him and jabbed a finger in his face. “I _told_ you not to read my thoughts!”

Your finger jabbed in his once more for emphasis. Ben rolled his eyes again before he reached out and moved your hand back down to your side, completely unfazed. “It isn’t a choice. The more vulnerable your mind, the easier it is to hear what you’re thinking. It’s like you’re speaking out loud.”

“Then you ignore my thoughts and wait for me to say what I want,” you responded exasperatedly. “It’s an invasion of privacy, Ben!”

“An invasion of privacy?” he scoffed, flipping back his curled raven hair and examining you scrupulously as if your discomfort was amusing. “It isn’t an invasion of privacy if your thoughts have been getting in the way of things for a while.”

In the way of things? Anger surged through your torso and you found yourself getting closer to him, your chest nearly bumping into his as you got in his face.

“It _is_ an invasion of privacy,” you hissed. “There are things that I _think_ that I don’t want _said_. I’ll talk when I’m ready. You wouldn’t like it if I assumed things for you, Solo.” You had never called him by his last name before and he seemed disturbed by it, his jaw tightening and his teeth raking over his bottom lip in response.

“Then we’ll make it even,” he goaded. “Read my thoughts. Tell me what I’m thinking of right now.”

It was at this moment that you realized how close you were. Your chest was mere centimeters from Ben’s, his breath curling against your carmine tinted cheeks. A lock of his hair nearly tickled your forehead and your voice hitched in the back of your throat. A faint scent of sage and pine wafted from Ben’s neckline and you wanted nothing more than to be enveloped in the earthly fragrance. All you had to do was lean in, crash your lips against his and melt into him completely.

Ben was focused solely on you, waiting for a response. A part of you wondered if he was as lost in the moment as you were, but quickly shelved that thought aside.

“You’re thinking…” you murmured, “… that I deserve an apology.” You pushed your hand against his chest and turned away, breaking his magnetic spell on you. Picking up your book and setting it back on the bookcase, you began to make your way out the door when you looked over your shoulder one last time.

“You can send your apology letter to my quarters. Or if you’re man enough, come tell me in person.”

* * *

Along your walk back to your quarters you noticed the amber colored sky freckled with spots of dusty pink clouds. The sun was setting, and another day as a Jedi was officially over.

You reached your room and shut the door behind you. With a deep sigh you let out all of the tension withheld during the day and rested your back against the door. On Mandalore the sunsets were always a brilliant shade of orange. When you were very little your mother and father would fly you out of Sundari to the hot desert, where you would watch the sunsets together as a family. You could almost trick yourself into thinking you were back on your home planet if you focused solely on the sunset as you fell asleep.

You went to pull down the window shade when you heard a knock on the door. You sensed an all too familiar presence hovering outside, and you frowned as you opened the door back open to reveal Ben.

“What.”

“I’m here for the apology,” he said briskly, walking past you and entering your room.

“Wha-“ you sputtered. “Get _out_! When did I even welcome you in?”

“You said I could apologize in person.”

“I changed my mind. Write me a letter.”

“I don’t have any paper.”

You let out a frustrated grunt and slammed the door shut. You had already exposed yourself too much. You didn’t trust yourself to do any better this time around… so why were you allowing him to stay?

You reluctantly looked at Ben and he forced a stiff smile.

Ah, that’s right. You really did love him.


	3. The Rise of Kenobi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you share a tender moment with Ben, you realize you were the first person to make him smile in weeks. In your excitement, you potentially expose your true feelings. Later, after receiving shocking news from both Master Skywalker and Erral, you begin to truly understand your place in the galaxy and who you are at your core. You are a discordant harmony of light and dark- a Kenobi-Kryze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you guys spot the first potential source of conflict between ____ and Ben?? It's pretty obvious but I'm excited to delve into that story arc for them. Thank you if you leave kudos or a comment! This is the first fanfiction I've written in ten years so it means a lot!
> 
> Kylo Ren playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/137tXscNRbJPvGR6HL6LIa?si=9Xay8QWrR92_nDGkbX8g6w

Never Too Late

“The Rise of Kenobi”

Year: 29 ABY

Location: Jedi Temple

“My mother’s home planet was destroyed when she was your age. She always tried to recreate dishes that her people specialized in, but they were horrible. Especially the Alderaan stew.”

Was Ben having a stroke? He just barged into your room unannounced to talk about… stew?

“Sometimes I really crave it,” he finished, his gaze turned away wistfully as if he were caught up in a moment from the past.

It hit you that this was Ben’s way of saying that he identified with how you felt. He, too, missed his home and the life he could have had outside of the Jedi Order. A part of you was irritated that he couldn’t just say what he was thinking, but you would have been lying if you said you didn’t appreciate the gesture. As difficult it was for you to open up, you knew it was even more difficult for Ben.

“I don’t remember much about my mother,” you offered, awkwardly sitting down on your bed, “But she made delicious uj'alayi.”

Ben cocked an eyebrow in confusion and pursed his lips together.

“Spiced fruit cake,” you clarified.

There was a beat of silence before you patted the spot next to you. “You can sit down, you know.”

He gave you an uncomfortable shrug before turning his gaze away. “It’s fine.”

Why was the thought of sitting next to you so agonizing to him? He could stand to look a _little_ less disgusted. You were honestly a little hurt at his response. Slowly, you slid your hand back up to rest on your lap.

Ben walked over to your window and lifted the blinds. The burning amber sunset had melted into a soft coral as the planet rotated further away.

“The sunsets on Mandalore were always shades of orange,” you intoned nostalgically. “It’s my favorite color. My father’s too.”

“Your father, the merchant?”

When you came to the Jedi Order ten years ago, Father not only had you change your last name to your mother’s maiden name, Torres, but your backstory as well. ____ Torres was the daughter of a mildly successful clothing merchant named Kortez who lived in the city sector of Mandalore.

The real you, ____ Kryze, was the daughter of a Duke and heiress to the title. But how long had it been since you even felt like the _real_ ____? You responded more to the faux last name than you ever did your real one.

“Yes,” you murmured. “After my mother died, we seemed to have less and less in common. When he found out I was Force-sensitive he was worried about how others would see me. How it’d make him look.”

You had run out of tears long ago. The sensation of a stabbing pain in your heart had subsided into a dull ache, as if scars were throbbing in remembrance of the initial wounds inflicted years before. You just felt numb.

“My parents gave me up, too,” Ben said in a low timbre. To your surprise, he walked over to the edge of your bed and sat down. His large frame took up more space than you initially thought, and you scooted over to the opposing side.

“They were… afraid of me,” Ben surmised. “Of what I could do. What I might become.” He shook his head and a curly lock of hair fell, caressing the bridge of his pointed nose.

“You were just a little boy,” you voiced. “What was there to be afraid of?”

Ben let out a dark chuckle. “The same thing your father was afraid of. Power. Being subjected to a stronger person’s will.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Deep down, I think you do,” Ben breathed. “Power is the only guarantee for protection and security. If you are not in power, then you’re a victim. Nobody wants that...” He gritted his teeth and dug his nails into the blanket.

“… not even Skywalker,” he bit out hotly.

“Master Skywalker is afraid of you,” you concurred. It had become apparent over the years that Ben was given the more underwhelming missions to complete. The missions always involved artifact retrieval of some kind. It had even become a running joke within your circle of friends, much to Ben’s dismay.

“Skywalker knows exactly what he’s doing,” Ben seethed. “All of these missions to wasteland planets… to get what exactly?”

He slammed his fist down on the bed. _“-Useless Jedi artifacts that will be put into storage- never to see the light of day!”_

Ben exhaled sharply and unclenched his fist. He looked over at you and saw the surprised expression on your face. His anger quickly evaporated.

“I… didn’t mean to scare you,” he said warily, “I’m sorry.” Concern etched his face.

“You didn’t scare me,” you assured. “It’s… kind of nice, actually.”

Ben narrowed his eyes and breathed out a short laugh. “And how is that?”

“Seeing you express yourself,” you explained. “I know you’ve been feeling a lot of pressure lately… I can feel it coming to a head. Something’s got to give.”

Ben’s facial expression changed, his amusement vanishing within a second. His lips parted and his jaw unclenched. He almost appeared resigned, defeated. As if an internal battle had been lost that you did not know about.

“You’re right,” he mumbled. “It will all end soon.”

For some reason, his comment chilled you. The beginning of an end neither of you had anticipated... “You’re an incredible Jedi, Ben,” you appealed, pulling your legs up onto the bed to lay on your side comfortably. “Your skills are unmatched. But you’re worth _so_ much more than your strength in the Force. Your parents and the other apprentices… they don’t know what they’re missing.”

Ben shrugged nonchalantly. “If you say so...”

Great response.

You could feel your cheeks tinge pink with embarrassment. You were too familiar, too saccharine sweet with your words. As if the vibe in the room wasn’t already awkward enough…

No. Ben needed to know who he was and what he meant to you.

“I mean it,” you insisted, “You were the one who taught me basic combat when nobody else would help. Voe picks fights with you and you choose to walk away every time. Your parents abandoned you, and I have not heard you badmouth them once. You’re sick and tired of the missions Master Skywalker forces you on but you’re polite to him anyway. You’re in my room _right now_ making me feel better.”

“You’re caring,” you concluded brightly. “And kind. You’ve just been used by others.”

Ben’s face softened, and you could have sworn his beige cheeks were now tinged pink as well. His hazel eyes shone bright with life as if he just witnessed something that replenished his soul.

“… Well, thank you,” he replied quietly, a grin upturning his lips. He attempted to conceal his smile with a closed fist pressed to his lips, but it was apparent how happy your comment made him. “I’m not sure anybody else would agree with you.”

You felt happiness bloom in your heart. A small part of you wanted to point out how much he looked like a little boy who was just complimented on his sand castle, but you couldn’t bear to ruin the perfect moment the two of you cultivated.

Ben got up from the bed and you instinctively reached out and grabbed his hand, pulling him back towards you. You stopped dead in your tracks when Ben turned around and gave you a surprised look. You were certain he would pull away from your grasp and ignore the bold move, yet Ben allowed you to hold on.

His hands were twice the size of yours. Your entire palm was wrapped around his middle and ring finger comfortably. His skin was warm and soft, just like you knew it would be.

“Yes?” he asked in a silvery tone. No sign of agitation whatsoever.

“I… had more to say,” you sputtered, trying to get ahold of your racing mind.

“You said everything perfectly, Torres. There isn’t anything else to add.” You let go of his hand and only then did he pull away.

“Torres?” you questioned flatly.

“Since you’re now addressing me as Solo,” Ben confirmed with a wink, referring to the earlier altercation at the library. A familiar spark of warmth ignited between your legs and you shifted your legs uncomfortably.

“____, if only you defended yourself as much as you defended me,” he continued, leaning against the door frame and cocking his head to the side. “Maybe you’d be able to forget about your family and the Jedi Order. They’re holding you back. Let go.” He smiled once more before walking away and shutting the door behind him.

You fell back on your bed with a burst of energy. How many times did Ben genuinely smile tonight? No awkwardness, no forcing? That was the first time you had seen genuine happiness from him in weeks.

Your chest filled with bubbling ardor as you replayed scenes from your conversation in your head.

_Let go._

Maybe that was the answer you were looking for all along.

* * *

A few days passed since you talked with Ben, and you found yourself more at ease. You began to let go of your preconceived notions of success and fulfillment. You pushed yourself to look outside the scope of what would please Father or Master Skywalker and began to listen to your heart’s incantations.

Perhaps there was no good and bad. Perhaps people were made of a blend of the two, and their choices were not indicative of their morality or the inner trauma that haunted them.

Ah, you were too tired for all this light versus dark talk.

This particular morning you and Tai had been summoned by Master Skywalker for a mission. The sun had yet to rise and you felt deeply lethargic despite being able to sleep lately.

You met Tai outside of the council room and he regarded you with a nod and yawn. “Awake yet?”

“Barely,” you replied groggily. “I’m not a morning person.”

“Me either,” he agreed, a yawn coming from him once again.

You were always fond of Tai. He was a calm, compassionate man who truly cared for others. As children, he was always the one to deescalate arguments and break up fights. He was particularly skilled at meditation and reciting ancient texts, indicative of his sound mind and soul. You always imagined him becoming an enlightened Jedi Master, like the great Master Yoda that Master Skywalker spoke highly of.

“Hey,” Tai said suddenly. “Have you noticed Ben acting weirdly at all?”

“Yeah.” You should have responded more empathetically but there wasn’t much you cared about before sunrise. “I think the pressure from his family is getting to him. His lineage… it’s almost like a curse.”

“I’m worried about him,” Tai explained. “He’s become way more distant these last couple of months… Master Skywalker hasn’t even noticed.”

“Master Skywalker has a lot to deal with. Twelve apprentices, and we’re all so different from each other,” you sighed. When was the last time you had a solo session with your Master? It had to have been weeks ago.

“Oh, right,” Tai defended quickly. “Master Skywalker surely is busy-“

“I’m not excusing Master Skywalker,” you interrupted. “Technically, every Padawan should be assigned their own Master. We’re all getting a twelfth of a mentor. We can’t run a Jedi Order like it’s still 50 BBY. So much has changed.”

“Perhaps you’re right,” Tai mused. He cupped his chin in his hand as he took on a pensive look. “So how can we help Ben?”

“Just being there for him, I think,” you smiled at Tai earnestly. “Ben’s a grown man. If he needed us, he’d let us in.”

Tai let out a short laugh and shook his head. “You seem pretty confident about that, ____. I don’t know.”

“I don’t know either. But I trust him. You’re a good friend, Tai.”

Tai bowed his head down and held his arms out as if he was accepting applause for a performance. Just then, the door opened and Master Skywalker peeked his head out.

“Are you two done gossiping yet?” he chastised. “I’ve been waiting.”

You gulped, desperately hoping that he didn’t hear you criticize his leadership. Tai gave you an equally anxious look and the two of you stepped into the council room. It was easily the biggest hut in the Order but it was still simple in its design. The floor was decorated with maroon carpeting and in the center of the room sat twelve armchairs positioned in a circle.

“No need to sit, this will be quick,” Master Skywalker said, standing in the middle of the circle. “The original Jedi Temple on Coruscant is being condemned. As you know, these past couple of decades it has been sort of a museum for the original Jedi Council. I need you both to pay one last visit there to collect all of the historical documents and recordings for safe keeping.”

The old Jedi Temple? The dilapidated building Master Skywalker took you and the apprentices on numerous trips to?

You should have been grateful to receive a mission after months of nothing, but you couldn’t help but dread accomplishing a task so… boring.

“When should we leave?” Tai asked, disappointment evident in his tone.

“You will be expected two days from now,” Master Skywalker said. “They are conducting a last round of tours today and tomorrow.”

“Then, uh…” Tai drawled, scratching his face. “… Why did we have to wake up so early, Master?”

Master Skywalker rolled his eyes and let out a big sigh. “A full day of training will do you some good. You’ve _both_ been slacking on your combat skills. Don’t think I didn’t notice.”

While you had neglected your training due to lack of ambition, Tai simply did not enjoy combat as much as he did meditation. This was one of the few moments the two of you had been coupled together, and you didn’t mind. Tai was easy to get along with and you enjoyed his company. The two of you were capable of accomplishing this mission with ease.

“We won’t let you down,” you replied. What was there to even let down to begin with?

Master Skywalker smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “May the Force be with you both. Oh, and ____- there’s something I’d like to discuss with you in private.”

“I’ll go train, then,” Tai said, giving you a slight nod of affirmation before walking out of the hut.

“What did you want to talk about, Master?” you asked curiously.

Master Skywalker scratched his beard, his eyes transfixed on you. “I’ve recently come into contact with an old friend- it’s been years since I heard from him. He has been wanting to meet you for quite some time.”

You? You scrunched your face up in confusion. Who would specifically request to meet you, out of all of the apprentices?

Master Skywalker chuckled at your facial expression. “I can understand why you’re confused. I certainly was confused when this old friend popped up after decades of silence.”

Your eyes widened in realization. “You don’t mean…?” you whispered in disbelief.

“Your grandfather, Obi-Wan Kenobi,” Master Skywalker said. “You see, when Jedis become Force ghosts, it is usually a transitionary period before they become one with the Force. After nearly thirty years with no contact, I assumed he had made that journey and his soul was at rest. And then, I heard his voice call out to me late last night.”

“Why did he not cross over after three decades?” you asked incredulously.

“As soon as Obi-Wan passed over he sensed the presence of your father. Duke Korkie didn’t end up being sensitive to the Force like you are, so Obi-Wan was never able to establish contact. He knew of you from the moment you were born and has been waiting for the right time to talk with you.”

Your hand moved to your chest in astonishment, touched at the thought of your grandfather watching over you throughout your entire life.

The man you thought was your biological grandfather, Arlen Kryze, died while your father was a child and you never had a grandparent in your life. You couldn’t help but feel drawn to a familial connection that wasn’t already tainted.

“I…” you began, at a loss for words. “I would like to meet him.”

“I can train you so that you’ll be able to communicate with him,” Master Skywalker responded, crossing a leg. “I believe he has been waiting to meet you before he fully rests.”

Bittersweet tears welled up in your eyes. “You have no idea what this means to me,” you breathed. Someone who waited for you, and only you…

“Your relationship with your family has been affecting you achieving your full potential,” Master Skywalker mused. “I’m fully aware of that. Connecting you with Obi-Wan Kenobi, who was also an incredibly strong Jedi, will aid you not just personally but professionally, too.”

Perhaps Master Skywalker was more observant than you originally thought.

* * *

You walked outside to find Tai waiting for you. You held your breath, anticipating a barrage of questions about the personal meeting, but was pleasantly surprised when Tai simply asked, “So, what do you think about our mission?”

That was another thing you liked about him. He was humble. “You know, this mission actually sounds cool,” you responded.

You reached the epiphany while walking to the combat training area with Tai. His head swiveled over, his mouth gaping wide open. “You have _got_ to be joking.”

“It’ll be incredibly easy,” you chirped optimistically. “We’ll be able to complete it earlier than Master Skywalker anticipates, I’m sure. We could go to a bar or restaurant afterwards for fun.”

“That doesn’t sound like a good idea,” Tai chided.

“You’re a human, not a machine,” you prodded lightly. “It might be enjoyable to do normal human things like eating a nice meal or dancing for once.”

“We’re called to live a simple life with no passion or conflict, ____.”

“Then order a salad and sit back as I enjoy myself,” you huffed, rolling your eyes at his reluctance. A part of you felt sorry for Tai. How abnormal it was to deny a night of fun and delicious food in fear of falling out of line.

Up ahead, you saw Erral and Ben conversing next to the combat training area. Ben looked completely unamused as Erral talked to him emphatically, not registering how disinterested Ben actually was.

You had never seen such opposite people before. Erral was always expressive and charming. He enjoyed being surrounded by others and thrived off of conversation, whether it be surface level pleasantries or thought-provoking debates. He was always ready to take initiative and relished the fact that he knew the most about everybody... except Ben, of course.

Ben didn’t actively dislike anybody in the Order except for Erral. Hate might be a more accurate word, actually. He seemed to have a low tolerance for Erral’s extroverted personality.

You sort of understood, since Erral unsettled you in a way, too. Something about him seemed fake. As if he were trying to sell a modified persona of himself to others. You got the impression that he was taken captive by an innate desire to be in control. 

“Oh, hey!” he greeted warmly as you and Tai walked up to them. Ben eyed you as you stood next to Erral. “Did you guys just finish talking to Master Skywalker?”

“Yup,” Tai answered. “We’re leaving for Coruscant in two days to retrieve documents and recordings.”

“Sounds like you guys got stuck with the artifact run this time,” Erral laughed. He looked down at you and flashed a toothy smile. “Excited, ____?”

“Yes, actually,” you replied. “I’m just ready to go on another mission. I’ll take anything at this point.”

“I hear you. Ben and I were given a mission on Mandalore. Apparently the Duke is retiring and they’re holding an election to see who will become the next leader. They’ve already had a ton of problems.”

Shockwaves reverberated throughout your body. Father is… giving his title away? To somebody else? The wounds you thought had long healed seared fresh pain. A title that was yours by birthright would be taken from you and redistributed to an outsider of the family.

All because you wielded powers of the Force.

“Oh,” you said calmly, plastering on a fake smile as you disregarded the internal storm raging inside your body. “Doesn’t the Duke have children who would want the title?”

“I think he has a daughter, but she was studying on Herdessa and decided to stay there. Or was it Hoth?”

“Herdessa,” Ben responded monotonously. “Hoth is uninhabitable.”

“Ah, right.”

“When are you leaving?” Tai asked.

“A couple days from now,” Erral said. “We will be arriving just before the Mandalorian debate begins to keep an eye on things.”

Tai opened his mouth to respond but you didn’t register what was said. Anger, frustration, sadness, regret… emotions that you hadn’t acknowledged in years were now holding you captive within your own psyche. How could Father do this? _Why_ would he do this to you? And why do you even care- weren’t you supposed to be letting go?

**_“Let go.”_ **

Ben’s voice called out loud and clear in your dissociative state and you clung onto it as if it were a lifeline. _Let go._

It finally clicked. Light or dark. Kryze or Kenobi. The perpetual impasses you were subjected to your entire life ceased to exist as your eyes were opened to the truth.

You didn’t have to choose. You were all of it. None of it. And everything in between.

You finally knew who you were. And nobody would be able to stop you.


	4. Break the Chain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You meet with your grandfather, Obi-Wan Kenobi, in the Netherworld and discuss how to break away from the past. You learn a secret about Ben and you must ask yourself if you want to keep moving forward even if your path becomes dangerous. Erral sees an opportunity to grow closer to you and takes it... but what are his true intentions?

Never Too Late

“Break the Chain”

Year: 29 ABY

Location: Netherworld, Jedi Temple

The roar of silence electrified the room, causing goosebumps to scatter across your skin. You were solely focused on the low hum that called out to you from a distant dimension, seeking it out in a pitch black landscape.

Whispers began to trill in your ears and you followed them further down a dark path. The void you were wandering in slowly began to take form as you shuffled past ashen trees and chrysanthemums.

In the distance you could see a lake with a singular ripple pulsating throughout the water. You felt a strong urge to dive in and completely submerge yourself but ignored it. The humming and whispers collided into a frenzied discordance as you drew closer. 

When you reached the edge of the water, you bent down to touch it. Your finger hit the cold surface but no wave came from your contact. Instead, the water felt flat and palpable.

Cautiously, you extended your foot out and took the first step. To your utter shock, your foot stood firmly on top of the lake, which was beginning to resemble a mirror.

The ripple in the middle of the lake began to bubble and gurgle. A sense of urgency flooded over you, and you took another step into the reflective pool.

You shifted your gaze downward and watched your reflection walk across the pond with ease towards the babbling pool of water. The voices in your head became warbled and frantic until one parted away and said your name clear as day.

_“____.”_

The voice was smooth and warm. You were not afraid. You were exactly where you were supposed to be.

With newfound courage, you pricked the water with your finger once again. The rippling and gurgling ceased and the waves faded off to the edge of what was now a large glass mirror.

You looked down at your reflection staring back at you.

 _“____, is that you?”_ The voice called out from beyond. A look of bewilderment overcame your face.

“Yes,” you said excitedly. You fell to your knees and peered down into the mirror beneath you. “Yes, this is! Are you…”

Suddenly, a young man with copper colored hair and a neatly kempt beard appeared in front of your reflection. He looked back at you intentionally, leaning in towards you.

“Obi-Wan Kenobi,” he greeted heartily. Your heart fluttered with excitement. “I have been waiting so long to meet you, ____. I was beginning to think it would never happen.”

You let out a nervous laugh. “I… hadn’t even known you were waiting for me.”

“Oh, don’t be silly,” he chuckled, eyes crinkling with delight. “This constant war you’ve had with your identity has no doubt been the result of the Force attempting to bring us together. How glad I am that war has been won.” You noticed that his eyes were a deep, azure blue, similar to…

“Father looks like you. Exactly like you.”

Obi-Wan’s smile faltered. “Ah, yes. Korkie. I knew him as the nephew of the woman I loved. Never as a son… Perhaps my greatest regret in life. That, amongst other things.”

“What was Father like when he was younger?” you inquired.

Obi-Wan thought for a moment, his lips pursed together before he finally spoke. “He was a diplomatic, well-spoken young man. He fervently believed in the mantra of peace, as did Satine. He was polite and agreeable.”

It was hard for you to picture a hopeful and young version of Father, kind and outspoken about his feelings.

“He isn’t like that anymore,” you breathed. Your palms splayed across the silent water. “He’s… different now.”

“Korkie has been through so much,” Obi-Wan said wistfully. “I have been watching over my family for a very long time, ____. How sorry I am that you have yet to meet the man he truly is.”

“I don’t believe I will ever meet the real Korkie,” you admitted. “You… must know what I am about to do, right?”

“Oh, Of course.” Obi-Wan said nonchalantly.

You studied his face and found that there was no indication of severe disappointment or retaliation, both of which you were expecting. You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion

“How are you not upset?” you insisted. “You have seen what I’m about to do- you can **_feel_** what I’m about to do. You are one of the greatest Jedi this galaxy has ever seen. Aren’t you upset that I am wandering from the same path you chose?”

“You’re wrong,” he replied firmly. He lowered his gaze, a look of melancholy overtaking him. “So very wrong.”

“Then please, explain to me how I’m wrong,” you pleaded. “Obi-Wan, you’re the only one who stayed with me. You’re the only one who cared. I need your guidance.”

The man in the mirror pursed his lips together, carefully considering what to say next. “____... I spent my life fighting for a cause I wholeheartedly believed in. As did your grandmother and great aunt. Because of our dedication, our stubbornness for what we considered to be right, we lost many things along the way.”

“I lost a good friend who was like a brother to me. Your grandmother and I… we could never abandon our devotions, not even for each other. I lost the love of my life and the son I never knew I had.”

“And… Auntie Bo?”

“Your father never told you how much Bo-Katan and Satine truly clashed,” Obi-Wan explained. “She wasn’t just mildly opposed to Satine’s pacifism in her youth, ____. She joined a terrorist group that sought to take away Satine’s rule over Mandalore. The conflict resulting from that caused needless discourse... inevitably resulting in the death of Satine.”

“Are- what?” you stuttered. Your mind began to swirl at the revelation of Bo-Katan’s betrayal. “I- I never knew-“

“When everything was settled, Korkie and Bo-Katan did not want any more conflict,” Obi-Wan outstretched his hand towards the mirror connecting the two of you, and to your utter shock, broke through the seal of water. You let out a light gasp and reflexively pulled back. Obi-Wans hands sought out your cheeks and he wrapped his fingers around them.

He was warm. Gentle. How long had it been since Father cupped your cheeks within his hands? Too long.

“Anything that threatened to break the peace they spent so long establishing was a threat. Korkie grew cold and restless, and Bo-Katan flipped and devoted herself to the cause her sister died for out of guilt. Our family does not know how to balance, ____. We devote ourselves wholly and give until we cannot give any more.”

“Except me,” you murmured. “I’ve always been lost and out of place.”

“And I am proud of you for that.”

Your head shot up. Obi-Wan slowly pulled away from your side of the mirror and smiled at you earnestly. “You are breaking this horrid chain of loss. You are asking questions and daring to break away from all that you have known in an effort to be a truly neutral, balanced being. Perhaps that is what this galaxy has needed all along.”

“But, I must warn you,” he continued, the lightness in his tone fading away. “You _will_ slip and fall, ____. I have seen it. There is a darkness that is seducing you.”

A darkness. Could he mean..?

“Ben Solo,” he confirmed. “Remember who you are, and how you must break the chain of loss. You may falter, but you will not lose.”

“Ben is like me. There is both lightness and darkness within him.”

“That may be true,” Obi-Wan said cautiously. “But you are wrong about one thing- I am not the only one who has been watching over you all these years. Ben Solo has also kept a particularly close eye on you- and _only_ you. His powers in the Force are honestly remarkable. There is so much he is capable of, and he knows it. That troubles me greatly.”

“I won’t be seduced,” you vowed. “Ben is important to me. You must know by now that I… care for him deeply. But I would never harm innocent lives for the sake of love. I _couldn’t_.”

“Oh, but you could,” Obi-Wan corrected. “Ben may be the strongest Jedi I have ever seen, but you are certainly capable as well. ____, should that ever happen, should you ever turn, you will need to forgive yourself and-“

Obi-Wan’s head turned sharply to the side as if he heard his name being called from far away. “I… I’m so sorry. I must go. I cannot stay in this realm any longer. I am already in my weakest form.”

“No!” you protested. Your hands instinctively reached for him beyond the mirror, but they were unable to pass through the invisible barrier separating you. “Why can’t I touch you now?”

“I finally got to meet my granddaughter,” Obi-Wan murmured nostalgically. His solid form began to fade away like a dying flame in the night. “What joy I had watching over you, ____. You will do well.”

“I just met you!” you shouted ruefully, banging your fists against the mirror. “Grandfather- don’t go!”

“It’s time for me to finally rest,” Obi-Wan smiled contentedly. He was progressively becoming less visible. “And it’s time for you to start a new journey.”

You stopped pounding against the mirror and rested your face in your hands. A sense of peace and acceptance washed over you. He was right- it was time for you to move on and start a new journey in your life.

“Goodbye,” you said with newfound valor. “I’ll do my best, Grandfather.”

“I know.”

It came out as a whisper. You lifted your head up only to be met with a blank slate of nothingness staring back at you. You were alone. Again.

Before you could process the loss of Obi-Wan, the lake beneath you began to shift. The solid pool of water was breaking apart rapidly, and you began to sink. You quickly stood to your feet and attempted to run back to shore, but you fell through the now liquidated surface and plunged underwater.

The water was so ice cold it felt as if you were being stabbed by thousands of tiny needles. Your body was thrashed into a current, forcing you to swim parallel in order to break free. You swam to the surface and gasped for air, thrashing against the dark waves and attempting to writhe out of its hold.

“____!”

You opened your eyes and found yourself on the floor of Master Skywalker’s hut. You were sprawled out against the carpet, clawing at the edges and panting.

“What happened?” Master Skywalker crouched down and gazed at you with concern.

You looked around the room in bewilderment. “I- nothing. I met him. Obi-Wan.” You sat up and forced yourself to take a deep breath and relax your muscles. “It was a rough journey back, that’s all.”

“Good, I’m glad,” Master Skywalker extended his hand, helping you up off the floor. “So, tell me about your experience. How did you communicate with Obi-Wan? What was said?”

“Master Skywalker, my meeting with Obi-Wan was… private,” you admitted. “We talked about a lot of personal things. It’s something I want to keep close to myself.”

Master Skywalker cocked an eyebrow in surprise. “____, I trained you to communicate with Obi-Wan in order to help you strengthen your bond with the Force. You need to discuss the journey you went on in order to do that.”

“And I’m not comfortable with that,” you said. “I’m sorry.” Your encounter with Obi-Wan was precious. It gave you the comfort and direction you had been seeking, and to share such a special moment with another would tarnish the memory.

“Then there was no benefit to this,” Master Skywalker said exasperatedly. “You are still just as attached to the past as you were before. You’re beginning to stray from the light.”

You wanted this one moment for yourself, and because of that you were turning evil? Was Master Skywalker always this controlling? Did his entitlement come from the oath you took at the tender age of nine years-old?

“I said no.” There was a firestorm of dialogue you wished to exchange with Master Skywalker, but you pushed it back down with a quip.

“Huh,” he bit out, turning his back to you and walking away. “I didn’t expect this from you, ___.”

Your eyes were vexed to the door as it slammed loudly behind him.

“Then start expecting it.”

\----

“You wanted to talk?”

Erral peeked his head into your quarters, giving you an inquisitive look as he walked in. Perhaps this was a bad idea… you had rehearsed your request numerous times, but seeing Erral in front of you made you balk at the realization of what you were about to do. 

“Erral,” you greeted nervously. He had just finished training and his hair clung to his neck from sweat, his bright seafoam tinted eyes starkly contrasted against his flushed skin. Your heart stuttered at the sight, much to your chagrin.

“Have a seat.” You gestured to the bed. Erral raised an eyebrow but seemed pleased at the invitation, wasting no time in walking over and taking seat.

“Aren’t you going to sit?” Erral asked, patting the spot next to him.

“I’d rather stand,” you said. “Look, I need a favor. A huge one.”

His face fell in disappointment. “Is this why you insisted on talking on private?” he remarked with a jilted edge to his tone.

The sudden shift in his disposition perplexed you. “Yes… what did you think this was about?”

“Ah, ____”, Erral sighed, running a hand back through his long hair. He gave you an exasperated look, his lips upturned in displeasure. “You really have no idea, do you?”

You gave him a blank expression, not even remotely sure of where this conversation was going.

“It makes sense that you don’t,” he continued. “Ben’s done everything in his power to keep this conversation from happening.”

What? What does Ben have to do with… whatever the hell this was about? “Just come out and say it, Erral.” Your patience was beginning to dwindle. You hadn’t even asked Erral what you wanted to yet. 

“I didn’t want it to come out exactly like this, but it looks like this might be my one shot,” Erral hummed, resting his elbows on his knees as he turned to fully face you. He stared into your eyes deeply, his lips now upturned into a coy smirk.

“I’ve been interested in you for a while, ____. You’re beautiful, and being with you comes so easily.”

You stared back at him openmouthed, astounded at the abrupt confession. You raked your brain trying to see if there were any signs warning you of his feelings during your friendship, but you came up empty.

“This is… so sudden,” you blurted out. The composure you had managed to regain earlier had been effectively knocked down by this bombshell. “Are you serious..? You’re not joking, are you?” You were sure you looked idiotic as you continued to sputter.

“No,” Erral chuckled at your shocked expression. “No, I’m not. It’d make things easier if I was, but that’s not the case.”

“Jedis can’t form attachments,” you pointed out.

“Attachments?” he cocked an eyebrow in confusion. “Who said anything about attachments?”

“You did. Just now.”

“____... when I said I was interested in you, I meant physically,” Erral simpered. He stood to his feet and walked over to you, cupping your chin in his hand. “I would be good to you. We could take it as slow as you want.”

Oh. Oh.

For a moment you stood frozen, taken aback by the sheer audacity. Registering the implication, you moved your chin away from his clutch. “I’m not interested.”

“Sorry for my forwardness,” Erral responded, withdrawing his hand and taking a step back. “I just needed you to know.”

“I appreciate you being upfront about your intentions,” you said. “But I just don’t feel the same way.” You did appreciate that he was forward about what he wanted. It made it easier for you to reject his advances.

However, you would be lying if you said a part of you, albeit small, wasn’t flattered that somebody as attractive as Erral desired you. Many nights were spent alone aching for the touch of a man, and it pleased you to know that if you so desired, you could quench that perpetual ache with ease.

However, this was not the man you wanted to soothe your yearning.

“What did you mean earlier, about Ben not wanting this to happen?” you implored, preferring to focus on that rather than Erral’s feelings towards you. “Ben knew about, uh… what you wanted?”

“Unfortunately. I kind of spilled the beans on that one,” Erral sighed and crossed his arms behind his head. “I overheard your argument with him the other day in the library… I was kind of pissed on your behalf, ____. When you left I went in and tried to talk to Ben about apologizing but he wasn’t having it. I kept pushing, and that really got him heated- he asked why it was so important to me. So, I told him that I wanted you… and if he wouldn’t apologize, then I would go to your room and do it myself-”

 _What?_ Was Ben… jealous of Erral? Could he feel the same way you do?

“So then he stormed right to your room,” Erral finished with a chuckle. “He said he saw you as his little sister, and boy did he mean it!”

….

…

..

Little sister?

You felt yourself internally shrivel up and die. The only thing worse than Ben not feeling the same way about you, was Ben not feeling the same way about you because he saw you as his **_little sister_**.

“I… guess I should thank you for that, then,” you replied numbly. There was no way you could recover from this embarrassing blow.

“No problem,” he smiled. “So… what did you originally want to ask me about? We got off track.”

“Right,” you mumbled, your mind a million light years away. “I need you to switch missions with me. My family is on Mandalore and I **need** to see them. I can’t pass up this opportunity. I just can’t.”

“Hmm…” Erral pondered. “So, I would get demoted from a high-stakes mission to an artifact run…”

“Please.”

Erral thought for a moment longer before a small grin overtook his face. “Alright, ____. How about this? You go out with me for one night with no expectations on my end, and I will switch missions with you.”

That sounded only mildly unpleasant. “Deal,” you said a little too quickly, hoping that he didn’t mistaken your excitement for the mission as excitement for the date.

“Then it’s all settled.” Erral drew closer to you and before you knew it, his arms were wrapped tightly around your waist. He pulled you into him and you placed your hands against his chest, gazing up with wide eyes.

This man really didn’t waste any time.


End file.
